After many years of working with families who are experiencing one of life’s most dramatic changes – separation and divorce – I have come to realize that facing change can often be more stressful than dealing with the hard emotions associated with the loss of a relationship.
For most couples who make the difficult decision to leave their relationship, the future looms as an unknown territory. Many women fear that they will have to struggle to survive, while men fear that they will be forced into poverty by support responsibilities. These reactions are normal.
Change itself is a constant state. Someone once said that you cannot step into the same river twice. So, why is it so hard to confront personal fears about change when in the middle of a relationship breakdown? Is it a subliminal fear that change will stop?
Sometimes, the worry and uncertainty about the effects of change cause people to react by holding on to the present. How can the unknown be better than the familiar? The truth is that change will happen and it is much better to create change than end up chasing after it.
For many women, change is associated with aging. From physical changes, and family changes such as children growing up, to subtle health changes. When all of this is coupled with the loss of relationship as well, it can be overwhelming.
In helping women through the difficult transition of separation, I have met many who faced the challenge with great courage and vision. Many left homes they had lived in for years, some went out to work for the first time in decades, a few were lucky enough to be able to follow their dreams.
The common thread for all these women was their ability to recognize that something better could come out of their new situation. They made opportunity for themselves because they recognized that they had the choice to make change rather than to be a victim of change. They put their energies into constructive solutions and worked hard to get past the emotional and financial difficulties. They relied upon their own sense of integrity.
Some people have the luxury of exploring their options and making choices for change, but for others, change is foisted upon them and their choices are fewer. I have found that the key to maximizing my circumstances is to seek out opportunities that are a personal fit. I find that once I am sure of my decisions, it becomes easier to accept my circumstances.
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